I bought it for the rats and mice
One day when feeling mad
The wandering neighbor kitty cats
were being very bad.
I heard they hunt the rodents
And are very good at it
but my neighbor cats are lazy
don’t seem to care a whit.
I can’t get a cat myself
they make me tear and sneeze
so the neighbor cats were perfect
some milk, some food, some cheese
and both mice and cats would party
on my patio at night
the mice would eat the cheese and
the cats would eat the mice.
But alas it did not work so I bought a gun instead
one that shoots small pellets using gas and makes no noise
so as not to alarm the neighbors who are nervous as it is
I still want their cats around, by now they’re like my boys.
My gun was not so good though, guns and I don’t flow
And the pellets merely bounce, off the rats when they are hit.
the one time that I hit one, which was years and years ago
It looked at me as if to say “You useless human twit!”
So I put the gun away, into a nice safe place
so my kids would never find it and think I was mean
Or even worse, play with it and hurt their precious face
It may not hurt the rats but my kids would surely scream.
And there it sat for years till I saw a squirrel one day
sitting there in front of me, just sitting looking smug
The same one I’m sure that was in my attic all damn day
I decided it was time to hunt so outta here he’d bug.
I searched my house for that darn gun
I searched it low and high
I looked in every drawer and nook
but the gun I did not spy.
I looked for days, then weeks then more
The squirrel was now a dozen
I almost called my family up
to get one from my cousin.
But I couldn’t admit I’d lost a gun
in my own safe home and house
It made me mad, it made me sad, like a real bum
I got depressed and slowed way down and decided I’m a louse.
The years went on, the squirrels thrived
the gun was now forgotten
My kids grew up and moved away they never found it either
I started to clean and organize to put my house in order.
One day while sorting tax receipts
from years ago to shred
I took a group of papers from
a pile under my bed
And in the box with those old shards
I found my precious pistol
By now it was in my own mind
As if a precious crystal
that I’d been given from a lost love,
the one that got away
one that I was proud of
but couldn’t get to stay.
My heart lept for joy as I cradled this fine thing
It could not hurt a rat or squirrel
or maybe anything
But it was lost and now was found and my heart began to sing.
My gun! my gun! my gun! my gun!
I held it in my hand
I shed a tear and then I said
You are now gone and banned.
I broke it up and threw the parts
into the trash with taxes
The rodents watched through my office glass
As I demolished it with axes.